Harry Python and the Holy Stone
by Flashgriffin
Summary: The students of Hogwarts perform a school play.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: We do not own either Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone or Monty Python and the Holy Grail. We are just borrowing them. Please, do not sue. We couldn't give you anything anyway. A word of warning. This is the result of many days of wandering around, and searching for Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans, and several sleepless nights. So, in all likelihood, is the best, and only, work we've ever written. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy!   
P.S. Sean Biggerstaff is Hot! ^_~.   
  
Harry Python and The Holy Stone  
  
"Can I have your attention, please?" Professor McGonagall asked at dinner, tapping her fork against her goblet to get the students' attention. As one, the student body looked up, and a silence fell over the Great Hall. When all was silent, Professor Dumbledore stood up.   
"This year at Hogwarts we will be performing a school play for the rest of the school and your families. Auditions will be held tomorrow night in the Great Hall. Anyone can audition, and two Professors have already 'volunteered' to play small roles. We won't say who until the play is actually performed. I know you will all find it extremely funny. The school play will be a comedy written by muggles that I find very amusing. It's called Monty Python and the Holy Grail. So think about whether you want to audition and off to bed with you now."  
  
The Next night~~~~  
"So who do you hope you get to play, Harry?" Ron asked as they walked into the Great Hall to audition.  
"I don't know. I hope it's a small part." Harry said rolling his eyes because he knew that they would give him a bigger part.   
After an hour of sitting in the Great Hall, Professor McGonagall announced who got parts.   
"As the lead role King Arthur is Harry Potter," Ron rolled his eyes as Harry smacked his head with the palm of his hand both saying, "figures." at the same time.   
"Sir Bedevere will be played by Hermione Granger, Sir Lancelot will be played by Ronald Weasley, Seamus Finnigan as Sir Galahad, and Sir Robin is Neville Longbottom. That takes care of the Knights of the Round Table. Now for some of the bit parts. Patsy, King Arthur's squire, will be played by," there was a pause for she had to laugh slightly "Draco Malfoy." The whole Great Hall burst into laughs and giggles and Malfoy was screaming at the top of his lungs "NOOOOOOOOO!"   
"Concorde, Sir Lancelot's squire, will be played by George Weasley" Ron shot a look and a grin at his older brother, who winced slightly.  
"And the French Guard will be played by Fred Weasley. There are many more parts and they will be posted outside the Great Hall. As you are leaving we will give you your scripts, your parts will be highlighted. We will be starting rehearsals on Friday." They all walked out taking their scripts and talking about the big play. Malfoy walked behind Harry yelling mockingly "All hail the great King Potter!" Harry turned his head to look over his shoulder at Malfoy.  
"Get used to that position back there, Malfoy." He smiled and went upstairs with Ron and Hermione. 


	2. Chapter 2

One month later~~~~  
It was the night of the big performance. Fred and George were handing out the programs, grinning as each of the spectators took one. Dumbledore took his seat by Arthur, Molly, and Ginny Weasley in the Great Hall, which had been transformed magically into a theater, and opened his program. Dumbledore's eyes widened when he saw why the twins were smiling so much. His program read:  
Narrators - Fred and George Weasley  
Concorde - George Weasley  
French Guard - Fred Weasley  
The Swamp King - George Weasley  
Prince Frederick (Herbert) - Fred Weasley  
Roger the Shrubber - Lee Jordan   
King Harry - Harry Potter  
Sir Hermione - Hermione Granger  
Sir Seamus - Seamus Finnigan  
Sir Neville - Neville Longbottom   
Draco the squire - Draco Malfoy  
Cart Master Dean - Dean Thomas   
Seamus the Customer - Seamus Finnigan   
Dead Neville - Neville Longbottom   
Dennis - Terry Boot  
Susan - Susan Bones  
Black Knight - Vincent Goyle  
Green Knight - Gregory Crabbe  
The Witch - Susan Bones  
Oliver - Oliver Wood  
God - N/A  
Historian - Justin Finch-Fletchley  
Historians Wife - Hannah Abbot  
Minstrel - Oliver Wood  
Dean the Enchanter - Dean Thomas   
Head Knight of Ni - Marcus Flint   
Knights of Ni - Slytherin Quidditch Team  
Old Crone - Pansy Parkinson  
Sir Ronsalot - Ron Weasley  
Old Percy The Bridge Keeper - Percy Weasley  
Princess Lucky - Percy Weasley  
Concorde stand in - Charlie Weasley  
And Others  
Special Guests:  
Bill and Charlie Weasley  
And a few other unmentionables.  
This is a product of The Weasley Wizard Wheezes!  
  
Before Dumbledore could do anything about it, though, the play was starting...  
  
~~*/^\*~~  
  
The curtain went up, and Fred and George stepped out into the spotlight. They cleared their throats, and announced in loud voices...  
"Harry Python and the Holy Stone!"   
They left the stage and the lights dimmed. When the lights came back up, there was a small castle in the foreground and an illusion of empty moor in the background. The sound of hooves clopping could be heard, and then two figures entered. They turned out to be King Harry and his squire, Draco, banging two coconut halves together. They 'rode' up to the castle, and Harry commands them to stop.  
"Whoa there."  
"Halt, who goes there?" Percy asks from the top of the wall.  
"It is I, Harry, son of James Pendragon, from the castle of Hogwarts. King of the Britons, Defeater of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Sovereign of all England!"  
Percy says, "Pull the other one!"  
"I am, ...and this is my trusty servant Draco. We have ridden the length and breadth of this land in search of Knights who will join me at my court at Hogwarts. I must speak with your lord and master."  
"What, ridden on a horse?"  
"Yes." Harry says, confused at the turn of the conversation.  
"You're using coconuts."  
"What?"  
"You've got two empty halves of coconuts, and you're bangin' em together."  
"So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through..."  
"Where'd you get the coconuts?"  
"We found them."  
"Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well, this is the temperate zone!"  
"The swallow may fly south with the sun, and the house martin and the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?" Harry asked, defending himself.  
"Are you suggestin' coconuts migrate?" Percy retaliates.  
"Not at all. They could be carried."  
"What, a swallow carrying a coconut?"  
"It could grip it by the husk."  
"It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple question of weight ratios. A 5 ounce bird could not possibly carry a 1 pound coconut."  
"Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Harry from the court of Hogwarts is here?"  
Percy wasn't even acting when he replied. "Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat it's wings forty-three times every second, right?"  
"Please!"  
"Am I right?"  
"I'm not interested!"  
Cedric Diggory appears beside Percy on the wall. "It could be carried by an African swallow."  
"An African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point."  
"Oh, yeah, I agree with that."  
"Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Hogwarts?" Harry shouted over the argument.  
"But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory." Percy said.  
"Oh yeah."  
"So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway."  
Harry signaled to Draco and they clopped away off stage, leaving the discussion still going strong.  
"Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together!" Cedric pointed out.  
"No, they'd have to have it on a line."  
"Well, simple! They just use a strand of creeper!"  
"What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?" Percy asked.  
"Well, why not?"  
With Cedric's last words, the lights go out. The whole audience is heard cracking themselves up with laughter. And that was only the first scene. 


	3. Chapter 3

While the lights were still out, a muffled thud and the clang of metal hitting metal could be heard from the stage. Then Dean Thomas' voice shouted,   
"Bring out your dead!"  
The lights came back on, and the scene had changed to a small village, complete with various seventh year extras acting like plague victims. Dean came into view walking beside a cart pushed by a third year. He repeated his cry of 'bring out your dead' several times, each time followed by a clang on his triangle. Random coughs and other sounds were heard in the background. Seamus came out of a hut, carrying Neville over his shoulder.  
"Here's one." Seamus said.  
"Ninepence." Dean replied.  
"I'm not dead!" Neville cried.  
"What?" Dean asked.  
"Nothing, here's your ninepence."  
"I'm not dead!" Neville repeated himself.  
Dean looked at Neville. "'Ere. he says he's not dead!"   
Seamus said. "Yes he is."  
"I'm not!" Neville shouted.  
"He isn't?"  
"Well, he will be soon. He's very ill."  
"I'm getting better!" Neville argued.  
"No you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment."  
"I can't take him like that. It's against regulations." Dean pointed to Neville.  
"I don't want to go on the cart!" Neville cried.  
"Oh, don't be such a baby!" Seamus said patronizingly.  
"I can't take him."  
"I feel fine!"  
"Well, do us a favor." Seamus pleaded.  
"I can't."  
"Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long."  
"No, I've got to go to the Weasley's. They've lost nine today." In the audience, 'someone', namely Molly Weasley, could be heard shouting,   
"Hey!".  
"Well, when's your next round?" Seamus inquired.   
"Thursday." Dean answered.  
Neville could be heard shouting, "I think I'll go for a walk!"  
Seamus said to Neville, "You're not foolin' anyone, you know." Then to Dean he asked, "Look, isn't there something you can do?"  
Neville was singing, "I feel happy! I feel happy!"  
Dean looked around as if to see if anyone was looking, then brought his mallet down on the back of Neville's head. Neville slumped as if dead, and Seamus dumped him on the cart, saying,  
"Ah, thanks very much."  
"Not at all. See you on Thursday."  
"Right." Seamus watched as King Harry and Draco 'rode' by. "Who's that then?"  
"I dunno." Dean said. "Must be a King."  
"Why?"  
"He hasn't got crap all over him."   
The lights went out. As the set was changed, Neville's voice could be heard complaining.   
"You didn't have to hit me that hard, Dean. That really hurt!"  
The audience cracked up again. 


	4. Chapter 4

The lights came back on and you could see King Harry and Draco 'riding' down a slight slope surrounded by seventh years banging stick into the ground. The same seventh years as seen in the previous scene. King Harry and Draco were following a person pulling a cart full of mud and manure. Music could be heard in the background.   
"Old woman!" cried King Harry.  
"Man." Said Terry Boot.  
"Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?" Harry asked.  
Terry answered with, "I'm thirty-seven."  
"I - What?" Harry looked confused.  
"I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old."  
"Well, I can't just call you 'Man'."  
"Well, you could say 'Dennis'."  
"Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'."  
"Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?"  
"I did say 'Sorry' about the 'Old Woman', but from behind you looked ..."  
"What I object to, is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!" Terry argued.  
"Well, I am King!" Harry argued back.  
"Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the..."  
"Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here." Susan Bones said coming into the scene. "Oh! How d'you do?" she said to Harry seeing him standing there.  
"How do you do, good lady? I am Harry, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?" Harry asked Susan.  
"King of the who?" Susan asked, puzzled.  
"The Britons." Harry explained.  
"Who are the Britons?"  
"Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king."  
"I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective." Susan exclaimed.  
"You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class ..." Terry interjected.  
"Oh, there you go bringing class into it again." Susan rolled her eyes.  
"That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of ..."   
"Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?" Harry barged in angrily.  
"No one lives there." Susan said looking at him curling her lip up.  
"Then who is your lord?"  
"We don't have a lord."   
"What?"  
"I told you." Terry answered "We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive Officer for the Week,..."  
"Yes" Harry said.  
"...but all the decisions of that Officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting..."  
"Yes, I see." Harry said clearly wishing he would shut up. In the background you could see Draco rolling his eyes.  
"...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,..." Terry continued only pausing for air.  
"Be quiet!" Harry yelled.  
"...but a two-thirds majority in the case of more major..."  
"Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!"   
"Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh." Susan barged in.  
"I am your king!" Harry said again.  
"Well, I didn't vote for you." Susan exclaimed.  
"You don't vote for kings." Harry explained.  
"Well, how did you become king then?" She asked.  
Music starts as Harry says his next lines.  
"The Giant Squid of the Lake, it's tentacles clad in the purest shimmering scales, held aloft Godric Gryffindor's Sword from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Harry, was to carry Gryffindor's Sword." The music stops and Harry cries, "That is why I am your king!"  
Terry waved his arms about saying, "Listen. Strange animals lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a Mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."  
"Be quiet!"   
"Well, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery squid threw a sword at you!" Terry argued.  
"Shut up!"  
"I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened beast had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"  
"Shut up, will you? Shut up!" Harry said taking Terry and shaking him like a rag doll.  
"Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system." Terry shouted.  
"Shut up!"  
"Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"   
"Bloody peasant!" Harry said, pushing him as he let go.  
"Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?" Terry said to several of the seventh year students.  
The lights went out and the audience was laughing so hard some of them were on the floor rolling in the aisles. 


	5. Chapter 5

. Music starts up again with pauses for little sound effects before the lights go on again.  
The scenery is of a pleasant forest, with King Harry and squire Draco 'riding' between the trees on one side of the stage, and the other half was dark still. Then the lighting changed sides, and the other half of the stage was shown to host a vicious battle beside a little tent, between Crabbe and Goyle, the Green and Black Knights respectively. Each wore suits of armor, and were wielding Longswords. The fight was shown for a few brief seconds, and the light switched again to show Harry and Draco 'riding' through the forest. They switched a few more times in succession, and then merged as Harry and Draco arrived at the clearing with the clashing knights. While Harry and Draco watched, the Black Knight killed his opponent with an amazing move that involved a flying Longsword going right through Crabbe's helmet. Goyle removed the sword, and went back to the bridge that he was guarding. King Harry 'rode' up to the Knight and said,  
"You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight."   
Goyle said nothing.  
"I am Harry, King of the Britons."  
Goyle said nothing.  
"I seek the finest and bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Hogwarts."  
Goyle said nothing.  
"You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?"  
Goyle said nothing.  
"You make me sad. So be it. Come, Draco." Harry makes as if to go around Goyle.  
"None shall pass." Goyle said ominously.  
Harry stops and looks up at him. "What?"  
"None shall pass." Goyle repeats.  
"I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge."  
"Then you shall die."  
"I command you, as the King of the Britons, to stand aside!" Harry said forcefully.   
"I move for no man." Goyle said. Draco is heard whispering, "Yeah, go Goyle!"  
Harry glances back at Draco, then turns back to Goyle, unsheathing Godric Gryffindor's sword as he turns, saying,  
"So be it!"  
A vicious fight ensues, in which Harry manages to cut off Goyle's left arm. Harry lowers his sword and says,  
"Now, stand aside worthy adversary."  
"'Tis but a scratch." Goyle said, shrugging.  
"A scratch? You're arm's off!" Harry said, pointing at the stump.  
"No it isn't."  
"Well, what's that then?"  
"I've had worse."  
"You liar."  
"Come on, you pansy!" Draco hid a smirk behind his hand as Goyle raises his sword and fights Harry one handed. Harry ends up cutting Goyle's other arm off.  
"Victory is mine!" Harry exclaims then kneels to his sword. "We thank thee Lord, that in thy mer..." He is interrupted by Goyle kicking him in the back.  
"Come on, then."  
Harry turns and looks up at Goyle, who continues to kick him.   
"What?"  
"Have at you." Goyle says as he kicks the King again. In the background, Draco is grinning and mimicking Goyle's movements. When Harry gets back to his feet, he says,   
"Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine."  
Goyle continues kicking. "Oh, had enough, eh?"  
"Look, you stupid twit. You've got no arms left."  
"Yes I have."  
Harry points to the wounds. "Look!"  
Goyle glanced at them. "Just a flesh wound." He kicks Harry again. "Chicken." Another kick. "Chickennnn!"  
A very annoyed Harry said, "Look, I'll have your leg." Another kick. "Right!" Harry swung the sword and took off Goyle's right leg.  
"Right, I'll do you for that!" Goyle exclaimed, as he hopped on one leg, trying to get his balance.  
"You'll what?" Harry asked, holding the sword ready.   
"Come here!" Goyle ordered, hopping closer to Harry.  
"What are you going to do, bleed on me?" Harry asked, trying to stay away from Goyle.  
"I'm invincible!" Goyle cried.  
"You're a looney." Harry said, condescendingly.  
"The Black Knight always triumphs!" Goyle yells. "Have at you! Come on then!"  
Harry shrugs and whops off Goyle's other leg, then sheathes his sword as Goyle looks at what's become of his body.  
"Ooh. All right, we'll call it a draw."  
Harry signaled to Draco, who was glowering at his 'Master'. "Come, Draco." After some hesitation Draco follows Harry over the bridge. As he passes Goyle, he whispers, "We'll get him back."  
As the lights go out, Goyle is heard shouting, "Oh. Oh, I see, running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!" 


	6. Chapter 6

Before the lights go back up, some chanting is heard in the darkness of the stage. When the light comes on again the scenery has changed to a small village. Two lines of sixth years dressed as monks with the last one on the right side at back holding a banner, walk through the village. They are chanting "Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem." After this line they hit themselves over the head with a board. Again they chant, but pausing to hit themselves in the middle of the chant then again at the end. They did this several times. A crowd of villagers enter the scene yelling "A Witch! A Witch!" In the background you can hear the sixth years hitting their heads with the boards.  
The villagers approach a podium where we see Hermione tying a coconut to a swallow's leg to see if it would carry it, and the villagers are still yelling "A Witch! A Witch! We've found a Witch!". Cedric speaks first to Hermione.  
"We've found a Witch. May we burn her?" in the background the same seventh years as seen in scenes two and three, are yelling "Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!" Hermione asks them,  
"How do you know she is a Witch?"  
Lee Jordan answers with a simple, "She looks like one." The crowd cheers and yells in the background.  
"Bring her forward." Hermione said as they push Susan Bones up onto the podium, all the time saying,  
"I'm not a Witch. I'm not a Witch."  
"But you are dressed as one." Hermione said looking at Susan.  
"They dressed me up like this." She pointed to the crowd.  
"Augh, we didn't! We didn't..." the crowd yelled.  
"And this isn't my noise it's a false one." Susan protested, as Hermione pulled up the carrot to see the real nose underneath.  
"Well?" Hermione said to the crowd.  
"Well, we did do the nose." Cedric said rolling his eyes and moving his head to one side.  
"The nose?" Hermione prompted.  
"And the hat, but she is a Witch!" Cedric exclaimed.  
"Yeah!" Lee Jordan said agreeing with Cedric.  
The crowd starts to yell again, "We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!"  
Hermione asked the crowd, "Did you dress her up like this?"  
Cedric immediately answered, "No!" Lee Jordan and Nearly Headless Nick's voices follow, with the same "No. No." All three of them say No several times, when Cedric finally says "Yes." Lee also say's "Yes." And then they all say 'a bit' several times too.   
Cedric spoke again, "She has got a wart." There are random coughs in the background as he points to the wart. Hermione asks the crowd,  
"How do you know she is a Witch?" Nearly Headless Nick answers,  
"Well, she turned me into a newt." Hermione looks at him puzzled.  
"A Newt?" She asks.  
"I got better." Nick said crossing his arms and looking down at his feet. Lee cries,  
"Burn her anyway!" Cedric answers with a "Burn!" the crowd starts up again.  
Hermione steps in, "Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling if she is a Witch." Cedric asks,  
"Are there?" Lee is heard with a simple "Ah!" "What are they?" Cedric says as another question. The crowd starts to shout "Tell us! Tell Us!..."  
"Tell me. What do you do with Witches?" Hermione asks them.  
Cedric, Lee and the crowd start to cry " Burn! Burn Them!"  
"And what do you burn apart from Witches?"  
"More Witches!" Cedric yells and Nick elbows him in the arm, "Shh!" There is pause as the villagers think. Finally Lee answers "Wood!" Oliver Wood, sitting in the background, not paying attention to the scene, looks up when his name is called. "What about me?" A seventh year shushes him.  
"So, why do Witches burn?" There is another pause. Nick answers by saying, "B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?"   
"Good! Heh, heh." Hermione says as the villagers quietly exclaim, "Oh, yeah. Oh." Hermione asks them another question,  
"So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?" Cedric automatically shouts,  
"Build a bridge out of her."   
"Ah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?"   
"Oh yeah." Cedric looks down as we hear the random " Oh, yeah. True. Uhh..."  
"Does wood sink in water?"   
"No. No." Cedric said shaking his head.  
"No, it floats! It floats!" Lee observes.  
"Throw her into the pond!" Cedric suggests. The crowd agrees and tries to take her off of the podium. Hermione stops them.  
"What also floats in water?"   
"Bread!"  
"Apples!"  
"Uh, very small rocks!"  
"Cider!"  
"Uh, gra-gravy!"  
"Cherries!"  
"Mud"  
"Churches! Churches!"  
"Lead! Lead!"  
"A duck!" Harry's voice sounds over the crowd. There was a collective "Oooh!"   
"Exactly! So Logically..." Hermione urges them.  
"If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood." said Cedric.  
"And therefore?" a pause then...  
"A Witch!"  
"Here is a duck. Use this duck." There is quacking in the background as a random extra holds up a duck.  
"We shall use my largest scales." Hermione hopped off the podium and Susan was dragged to the scales. Random "Burn the Witch! Burn her!" sounds in the background. Hermione steps onto the platform as they placed Susan and the duck on the scales.  
"Right. Remove the supports!" some sound affects are heard. The crowd yells after the scales are balanced. "A Witch! A Witch! A Witch!"  
"It's a fair cop." Susan mutters to herself as they drag her away. Harry approaches Hermione, who asks Harry,  
"Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?"  
"I am Harry, King of the Britons." He answers. As she kneeled she says,  
"My liege!"  
"Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Hogwarts and join us at the round table?"  
"My liege! I would be honored."  
"What is your name?"  
"'Hermione' my liege!"  
"Then I dub you 'Sir Hermione, Knight of the Round Table.'" 


	7. Chapter 7

The lights went out for a moment, and when they came back up, the stage was empty, except for Fred and George Weasley.  
"The wise Sir Hermione was the first to join King Harry's Knights of the Round Table, but other illustrious names were soon to follow." Fred announced. George took over with, "Sir Ronsalot, the brave," They both snicker, Ron, behind the scenes, yells, "Hey!" "Sir Seamus, the pure, and Sir Neville, the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Ronsalot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill, and the aptly named, Sir Not-appearing-in-this-play."  
Fred continued where his twin left off. "Together they formed a band whose named and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries."  
A pause, then simultaneously,  
"The Knights of the Round Table!"  
The lights went out, and when they came back up, the scene was of rolling countryside with a model of Hogwarts in the distance. King Harry, the four Knights, Concorde, Draco and a few seventh year extras acting as squires and pack horses 'ride' across the stage towards the castle. Harry and Hermione were having a conversation as they 'rode'.  
"And that is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped." Hermione said to her liege.   
"This new learning amazes me, Sir Hermione." Harry said, amazed. "Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes."  
"Certainly sir."  
Sir Ronsalot stopped and pointed to the castle. "Look, my liege!" Trumpets play in the background.  
Harry looks. "Hogwarts!" Sir Seamus and Sir Ronsalot echo, "Hogwarts!"  
Draco sneers. "It's only a model."  
Harry turns to Draco. "Shh!" Then, turning back to the castle, he said, "Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Hogwarts."  
The lights go out briefly so people can move, and the scene can change. As it changes, music starts playing in the background. The lights come back on, and the scene is a duplicate of the Great Hall. Several miscellaneous seventh years are in a line on the head table. They start singing.  
"We're Knights of the Round Table.   
We dance whene'er we're able.   
We do routines and chorus scenes   
With footwork impeccable.   
We dine well here in Camelot.   
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot."  
The seventh years start dancing around the room.   
"We're Knights of the Round Table.   
Our shows are formidable,   
But many times we're given rhymes   
That are quite unsingable.   
We're opera mad in Camelot.   
We sing from the diaphragm a lot."   
A previously unlit corner of the stage lit, while the rest went dark. It was an exact copy of the Dungeons. Filch was hanging from the wall by his wrists, clapping his hands. The lighting reversed, and the knights continued singing.  
"In war we're tough and able,   
Quite indefatigable.   
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.   
It's a busy life in Camelot."  
Oliver Wood stepped out onto the stage and sang,  
"I have to push the pram a lot."   
The lights went out, and the music wound down. When the lights came back up, and the rolling countryside was back, complete with everyone from the pre-song scene. Harry was saying,  
"Well, on second thought, let's not go to Hogwarts. It is a silly place." 


	8. Chapter 8

The Knights agreed, and they started on their way back the way they came. Before they got too far, there was a booming sound from the sky, and angels started singing as they stood in awe before Oliver Wood.   
"Harry! Harry! King of the Britons! Oh don't grovel!" Wood shouts from the cloud he's sitting on, the angels stop singing as he continues.  
"One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling."  
"Sorry." Harry answers and another boom sounds.  
"And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'." Another boom is sounded. "What are you doing now?!"  
"I'm averting my eyes, Oh Lord." Harry said to Oliver, looking away.  
"Well, don't. It's like those miserable Slytherins-they're so depressing. Now knock it off!" Oliver yells.  
"Yes, Lord." Harry says.  
"Right! Harry, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times."  
"Good idea, O Lord!" Harry exclaimed.  
"'Course it's a good idea! Behold!" Angels start to sing again. "Harry, this is the Holy Stone. Look well, Harry, for it is your sacred quest to seek this stone. That is your purpose, Harry: The quest for the Holy Stone!" The Holy Stone is a goblet with a rock inside it. There is another boom, the angels stop singing and the cloud closes. Sir Ronsalot speaks first.  
"A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!"  
"God be praised!" Sir Seamus exclaimed. There is music being played as the scene ends and the lights black out. 


	9. Chapter 9

After a moment, the lights come back up, with a castle on one side of the stage, and a grassy sloping hill on the other side. The company of the Knights of the Round Table 'ride' up to the castle, and stop. Draco pulls out a long horn, and plays a long, horrible note on it, with the intention of summoning someone. No one comes out. Harry calls out,  
"Hallo!" Still no one. Harry tries again. "Hallo!"   
Finally, Fred appears on the top of the wall. "Allo. Who is eet?"  
"It is King Harry, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?"  
"This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard."  
"Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Stone." Harry orders.  
"Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see." Fred said in his horrible French accent.  
"What?" Harry asked.  
"He said he's already got one!" Sir Seamus supplied.  
"Are you sure he's got one?"   
"Oh, yes. It's very nice-a." he crouched down behind the ledge and whispered to Lee and George, who were behind him on the wall, "I told him we already got one." Lee and George chuckled.  
"Well, u-uh, can we come up and have a look?" Harry asked.  
"Of course not. You are English types-a." Fred called down.  
"Well, what are you then?" Harry called back.  
"I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly King-a."  
"What are you doing in England?" Ronsalot called up. Seamus elbowed Ron, "That's my line!"  
"Mind your own business." Fred said, ignoring the mishap.  
"If you will not show us the Stone, we shall take your castle by force!" Harry threatened.  
"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Harry King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!" Fred taunted.  
"What a strange person." Seamus commented.  
"Now look here, my good man--..."  
"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your Father smelt of elderberries!" Fred insulted them with his French accent.  
"Is there someone else up there we can talk to?" Seamus called up.  
"No, now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!"  
"Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable." Harry threatened.  
Fred turned to the guards behind him. "Fetchez le vache."  
Lee, confused, asked, "Quoi?"  
"Fetchez la vache." Fred repeated. A cow mooing can be heard.  
Harry continued. "If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-" He was interrupted by the sound of a catapult firing, and a scared moo, as the cow flew over the wall. "Jesus Christ!" Harry swore as the cow fell towards earth, landing on one of the miscellaneous seventh year squires. Harry glanced at the cow and the squire, then pulled his sword out of it's sheathe. "Right!" He shouted. "Charge!" He, and the other Knights ran towards the castle with their swords out, and attacked the walls of the castle, while the various French knights threw animals at them. Fred was laughing his arse off. They were being pelted with animals, and they were being beaten. Harry made a strategic decision.   
"Run away! Run away!" The knights took up the call, and screamed, "Run away! Run away!" as they ran towards a line of trees a ways away. The French Guards taunted them as they ran.  
"Fiends! I'll tear them apart!" Sir Ronsalot cried when they stopped. Harry had to grab his shoulders to hold him back.   
"No, no. No, no."  
Sir Hermione said, "Sir! I have a plan, Sir."  
The Company of the Round Table went offstage, and various sound effects were heard. To anyone who understood Muggle technology, it sounded like sawing, hammering, drilling, clanging, and random squeaking and crashing sounds. Finally, with much squeaking, a large wooden form, slightly resembling a rabbit was pushed up to the castle. It stopped and the knights pushing the rabbit ran back to where the others were waiting in the bushes. The French guards could be heard inside the castle, muttering to themselves in French.  
"C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here..." They push the rabbit into the castle, and close the doors behind.  
In the bushes, the Knights are having a meeting. Harry asks Sir Hermione,  
"What happens now?"  
"Well, now, uh, Ronsalot, Seamus, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the Rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!" Sir Hermione explains.  
"Who leaps out?" Harry asks, seeing the glitch in the plan.  
"Uh- Ronsalot, Seamus and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh..."  
Harry sighs dejectedly, covering his face with his hand.  
Sir Hermione tries to fix the situation. "Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger--..."  
Harry hits the top of her head, and makes the visor of her helmet fall down. Then the familiar 'twong' of the catapult firing is heard. The Knights look up, and see the rabbit falling towards them. "Run away!" Harry shouts, and they start running, yelling "Run away! Run away! Run away!"  
What goes up must come down, and the rabbit is no exception. It landed on the same poor squire that the cow landed on. The Knights run away offstage without him, and the French taunts trail after them. The laughing of the guards can be heard as the lights go out. 


	10. Chapter 10

There is a clack of wood as the lights come back. George's voice could be heard "Pictures for Schools, take eight." Then Fred's,  
"Action!" Justin Finch-Fletchley is standing in the middle of the stage, which the scenery looked like a forest. He was explaining what was to happen,   
"Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Harry. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Harry became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Stone were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Harry, having consulted his closest Knights, decided that they should separate and search for the Stone individually." There was clopping sounds as he continued "Now, this is what they did: Ronsalot-..." A Knight actually riding a horse slit the historians throat, as he rode by. Hannah Abbot came running out yelling, "Justin!"  
The lights black out again. Fred and George's voices can be heard in the dark. "The Tale of Sir Neville." One of them began. "So, each of the Knights went their separate ways." The other one continued.   
"Sir Neville rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by 'is favorite Minstrels." Sir Neville is 'riding' through the forest while Oliver Wood sings,  
"Bravely bold Sir Neville rode forth from Hogwarts.   
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Neville.   
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,   
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Neville!   
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,   
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,   
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away   
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Neville!   
His head smashed in and his heart cut out   
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged   
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off   
And his pen-..." Neville interrupted him with an expression of disgust and fear on his face.  
"That's-that's, uh-that's enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there is dirty work afoot." In the background you can see Terry Boot and Susan Bones.   
"Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of persevering freedom." Susan answers him,  
"Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We don't have enough mud." Sir Neville continues to 'ride'. Suddenly out of nowhere a three-headed knight appears,  
"Halt! Who art thou?" all three heads say at once. Oliver sings the answer,  
"He is brave Sir Neville, brave Sir Neville, who--..."  
"Shut up!" Sir Neville yells to Oliver. "Um, n-n-n-nobody really, I'm j-j-j-ju-just um, just passing through." He said to the heads.  
"What do you want?" The heads asked  
"To fight and-..." Oliver sang.  
"Shut up!" Sir Neville yelled again at Oliver. You can see him cross his arms as Sir Neville continues to talk to the heads. "Um, oo, a-nothing, nothing really. I, uh, j-j-just-just to um, just to p-pass through, good Sir Knight." All the heads spoke again,  
"I'm afraid not!"   
"Ah. W-well, actually I-I am a Knight the Round Table."   
"You're a Knight of The Round Table?"  
"I am."  
"In that case, I shall have to kill you." Ron said on the left.  
"Shall I?" Harry asked in the middle.  
"Oh, I don't think so." Hermione said on the right.  
"Well, what do I think?" Harry asked.  
"I think kill him." Ron answered.  
"Oh, let's be nice to him." Hermione protested.  
"Oh, shut up!" Ron said to Hermione.  
"Perhaps I could--..." Sir Neville stumbles in.  
"And you! Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!" Ron demanded.  
"Oh, cut your own head off!" Hermione argued.  
"Yes, do us all a favor!" Harry agreed.  
"What?" Ron asked in surprise.  
"Yapping on all the time." Hermione answered.  
"You're lucky. You're not next to him." Harry said.  
"What do you mean?" Ron asked Harry.  
"You snore!" Harry answered.  
"Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath." Ron argued.  
"Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth." Harry said.  
"Oh, stop whining and lets go have tea." Hermione jumped in.  
"Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then go have tea and biscuits." Ron decided.  
"Yes." Harry agreed.  
"Oh, not biscuits." Hermione complained.  
"All right. All right, not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway." Ron cried.  
"Right!" all heads agreed. They looked down and around. Sir Neville and his minstrels were gone.  
"He buggered off." Harry observed.  
"So he has. He's scarpered." Hermione said. The light dimmed and went to another section of the stage. Oliver is singing and 'riding' behind Sir Neville.  
"Brave Sir Neville ran away,"  
"No!"  
"Bravely ran away, away."  
"I didn't!"  
"When danger reared it's ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled."  
"No!"  
"Yes, brave Sir Neville turned about"  
"I didn't!"  
"And gallantly he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,"  
"I never did!"  
"He beat a very brave retreat,"  
"All lies!"  
"Bravest of the brave, Sir Neville."  
"I never!" The lights turned off with the music still going. Over the music Ron's voice could clearly be heard.   
"What the bloody hell was that all about, Harry!"  
"It was in the script, Ron! I had to say it! You know I didn't mean it!"  
"They can hear you!" Hermione shouted at them. "Knock it off!" 


	11. Chapter 11

After the argument and the music stopped, George said in the darkness,  
"The Tale of Sir Seamus."  
The lights came up, but dimmer than usual, with a hint of moonlight. The set is a thick forest, and a castle can be seen in the distance, that, with magic, comes steadily closer as Seamus pushes his way through the trees. Suddenly, Seamus looks up, and he can see through the branches a fiery outline of the Holy Stone inscribed upon the sky. Seamus inches closer to the castle, his strength renewed by the sight of the Stone. Finally, he arrives at the castle, and bangs on the door.  
"Open the door!" Seamus shouts. "In the name of King Harry, open the door!"   
Suddenly, just as the door was opening, the light flickers and goes out. Seamus yells, "Hey! What happened to the light?"  
A spotlight graced the now empty stage. Professor McGonagall stepped out into the light. "Sorry for the interruption, but I can not allow this scene to take place. There is material in it, which is not appropriate for a school play, and therefore cannot be presented. That is it. Please continue." The light went out, and the next scene started.   
George's voice came out of the darkness. "Well, even though we didn't see it, Sir Ronsalot had saved Sir Seamus from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Stone. Meanwhile, King Harry and Sir Hermione, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away-- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--..."  
From behind the scenes, several people yelled, "Get on with it!"  
"Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Harry discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-- oooh!" as George is shut up, forcefully.  
The light comes up, and Harry and Hermione are sitting in a little hut with Percy, the Old Man. The old man is laughing his arse off.  
"And the Enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Stone?" Harry asked. The old man continued to laugh.   
"Where does he live?" Harry asked. Percy keeps laughing. "Old Man, where does he live?"  
"He knows of a cave, a cave which no Man has entered." The old man said between laughs.  
"And the Stone. The Stone is there?" Harry asked, excitedly.  
"There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no Man has ever crossed."  
"But the Stone! Where is the Stone?!" Harry was getting very upset with the man.  
"Seek you the Bridge of Death."  
"The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Stone?"  
The old man started to laugh again, and the scene slowly faded into darkness. The darkness didn't last too long, and when the light came back, Harry and Hermione were traveling through a dense, dark forest. Suddenly,  
"Ni!"   
Marcus Flint, looking to be as tall as Hagrid, was suddenly standing in front of Harry and Hermione. The rest of the Slytherin Quidditch team were standing around as the Knights of Ni. They were chanting, "Ni! Ni! Ni!"  
"Who are you?" Harry asked them.  
"We are the Knights Who Say Ni!" Flint said. Several Ni Knights echoed his cry.  
"No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!" Harry cried.  
"The same." Flint said.  
"Who are they?" Sir Hermione asked Harry.  
Flint answered. "We are the Keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng' and 'Neee-wom'!"  
Someone in the back said, "Neee-wom."   
Harry said to Hermione, "Those who hear them seldom live to hear the tale!"   
"The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice!" Flint continued.   
"Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods." Harry explained.  
"Ni!" Flint cried. The others echoed him.   
Harry and Hermione held their heads and moaned in pain. "Ow! Ow!"  
"We shall say 'Ni' again to you if you do not appease us."  
"Well, what is it you want?" Harry asked.  
"We want...a shrubbery!" a dramatic chord sounded through the Great Hall.  
"A what?" Harry asked.  
"Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!" The Knights cried.  
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" They moaned again, and Harry begged "Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery!"  
"You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive." Flint threatened.  
"Oh, Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery." Harry promised.  
"One that looks nice." Flint said.  
"Of course."  
"And not too expensive." Flint said.  
"Yes." Harry agreed.   
"Now, go!" 


	12. The Weasley Scene!

The lights dimmed, and Fred and George say,   
"The Tale of Sir Ronsalot." Then, though no one could see this, they rushed to their places on set, banging into things.   
"Oy! Who put this table 'ere? Oh, yeah, we did!"  
The lights came back up, and Fred and George were standing at an open window in a castle, looking out onto miles of swamp.  
"One day, lad, all this will be yours!" George says to Fred gesturing toward the window.  
"What, the curtains?" Fred asks dully.  
"No. Not the curtains, lad." He whacked Fred with his hand. "All that you can see," he continued, "stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad."  
"But Mother--..."  
"Father, lad. Father."  
"B-B-But Father, I don't want any of that."  
"Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was, was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands."  
"But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--..."  
"Rather what?!"  
"I'd rather..." cheesy love music stats playing in the background. "... Just... sing!" In the background you can hear Ron crying "NO NOT AGAIN!"  
"Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose Father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain."  
"B-But I don't want land."  
"Listen, Susan,--..."  
"Fredrick."  
"Fredrick. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get."  
"But-but I don't like her."  
"Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land." Fred murmurs just loud enough for the audience to hear. "She's my brother."  
"I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have..." The cheesy music starts up again. "... a certain,... special... something!"  
"Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!" George slaps Fred across the face. "Guards!" Percy and Ron enter the room. "Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him."   
"Not to leave the room even if you come and get him." Percy says with a smile.  
"Hic!" Ron hiccups.  
"No, no. Until I come and get him." George says pointing to Fred.  
"Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room." Percy says with a goofy smile.  
"No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave." George says very annoyed.  
"And you'll come and get him."  
"Hic!" Ron hiccups again.  
"Right."  
"We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room." Percy says stupidly.  
"No, no. Leaving the room."  
"Leaving the room. Yes." Percy sniff.  
"All right?"  
"Right."  
"Hic!" Ron hiccups yet again.  
"Right." George makes to leave the room.  
"Oh, if-if-if, uhh-if-if-w-ehh-i-if-if we-..." Percy stutters.  
"Yes? What is it?" George asks doubling back.  
"Oh, i-if-i-oh--..."  
"Look, it's quite simple."  
"Uh..." Percy said eloquently.  
"You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?"  
"Hic!" Ron hiccups again.  
"Right."  
"Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?" Percy asks.  
"N-no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--..."  
"Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--..."   
"No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--..."  
"Until you or anyone else--..."  
"No, not anyone else. Just me."  
"Just you."  
"Hic!" Ron hiccups yet again.  
"Get back."   
"Get back."  
"All right?" George makes to leave again.  
"Right. We'll stay here until you get back." George comes back again.   
"Hic!" Ron hiccups again.  
"And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave."  
"What?"  
"Make sure 'e doesn't leave."  
"The Prince?" Percy glances at Fred.  
"Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave."  
"Oh, yes, of course."  
"Hic!"   
"Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to Guard him when he's a Guard."  
"Is that clear?"  
"Hic!"  
"Oh, quite clear. No problems."  
"Right." George made to leave. Percy and Ron follow him out to the door. "Where are you going?"  
"We're coming with you."  
"No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave."  
"Oh, I see. Right." Percy and Ron go back to their posts.  
"But Father!" Fred shouts to his twin.  
"Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!" George leaves and the cheesy music starts up again. "And no singing!" He shouts from off stage.  
"Hic!" George shouts again from off stage,  
"Oh, go and get a glass of water." Ron leaves the stage. Then almost immediately Harry the stand in comes in. Fred grabs a piece of parchment and a quill to write a note. All the time looking at Percy who continues to smile creepily at Fred. Fred moves to the window grabs an arrow to tie the piece of parchment on and let it go out the window (note: he shot the arrow with a bow. Duh!) The lights turn out as they change the scenery. The scenery is a pleasant little forest with a small creek running through it. Sir Ronsalot and Concorde (a.k.a. George) (The ones who left the previous scene) were 'riding' through the forest.  
"Well taken, Concorde!" Sir Ronsalot exclaimed.  
"Thank you, Sir! Most kind." Concorde said.  
"And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, Concorde!" Sir Ronsalot and Concorde were jumping from rock to rock over the stream. Suddenly an arrow that came out of nowhere hit George in the chest.  
"Message for you, Sir." George said before he turned and fell over. Sir Ronsalot ran over to George and grabbed the note that was tied to the arrow.  
"Concorde! Concorde! Speak to me!" Sir Ronsalot looks around to see who shot the arrow, then finds the note on the arrow. "'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my Father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.' At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Stone! Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!"  
"Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, Sir?" Concorde said raising his head up.  
"Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!"  
"I-I-I think I c-I could pull through, Sir."  
"Oh, I see."  
"Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, Sir--..."  
"No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular..." Ronsalot sighs dramatically and leans on his sword.  
"Idiom, Sir?"  
"Idiom!"  
"No, I feel fine, actually, Sir."  
"Farewell, sweet Concorde!" Ronsalot said getting up and leaving for Swamp Castle.   
"I'll, um-- I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, Sir? Yeah." Concorde yelled after him. The lights go out for a moment and you can see the inside of a castle and the wall with Bill and Charlie standing in as the sentries on one half of the stage. The other half is still dark. You can see Percy, dressed as Princess Lucky, surrounded by a whole bunch of seventh year extras giggling. Bill and Charlie are greeting the guest as they enter. Charlie points something out to Bill. The lights change sides as we see Sir Ronsalot running across the stage. The lights change sides again and Bill and Charlie stand at the gate watching the dark. The lights move back to Sir Ronsalot and he seems farther back then he was. They switch again to Bill and Charlie and then to Sir Ronsalot seeming again farther back then he was. The light's move to Bill and Charlie where Sir Ronsalot moved came into view, killing Bill. Sir Ronsalot moves around the castle killing the guests. He gets up to where Prince Fredrik is. "Now, your not to enter the room-auggh!" Percy says as Sir Ronsalot kills him and Harry.   
"Oh fair one, Behold your humble servant, Sir Ronsalot of Hogwarts. I have come to take y-Oh, I'm terribly sorry." Sir Ronsalot says bowing toward Fred and then getting up again.  
"You got my note!" Fred says in joy.  
"Uh, well, I-I got a-a note." Sir Ronsalot stumbles.  
"You've come to rescue me!"  
"Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't--..."  
"I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there..." Fred trailed off as the cheesy music starts again.   
"Well, I--..." Sir Ronsalot started.  
"... there must be... someone..."  
Suddenly George burst in and said,  
"Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?"  
"I'm your son!" Fred whines.  
"No not you." George replies, looking to Sir Ronsalot.  
"Uh, I am Sir Ronsalot, Sir."  
"He's come to rescue me, Father!" Fred cut in.  
"Well, let's not jump to conclusions." Ronsalot muttered.  
"Did you kill all those Guards?" George asked Ronsalot.  
"Uh..." Ronsalot had to think. "Oh, yes. Sorry."  
"They cost 50 pounds each!" George exclaims.  
"Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything." Ronsalot said, seriously sorry.  
"Don't be afraid of him, Sir Ronsalot. I've got a rope all ready." Fred said tying the rope to the bedpost.  
"You killed eight wedding Guests in all!" George said outraged.  
"Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady." Sir Ronsalot explained.  
"I can understand that." George said.  
"Hurry, Sir Ronsalot! Hurry!" Fred said climbing out the window.  
"Shut up!" George yelled at Fred. "You only killed the Bride's Father, that's all!" He said turning back to Sir Ronsalot.  
"Well, I really didn't mean to..."   
"Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!"  
"Oh, dear. Is he all right?"  
"You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!"  
"Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Hogwarts, when I got this note, you see-..."  
"Hogwarts? Are you from, uh, Hogwarts?" George asked changing the subject.  
"Hurry, Sir Ronsalot!" Fred shouted, dangling from the window.  
"Uh, I am a Knight of King Harry, Sir." Sir Ronsalot said ignoring the cry from the window.  
"Very nice castle, Hogwarts. Uh, very good hog country." Also ignoring the cry.  
"Is it?" Sir Ronsalot questioned.  
"Hurry! I'm ready!" Fred yelled again.  
"Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?" George asked.  
"Well, that-that's, uh, awfully nice of you,..." Sir Ronsalot accepted.  
"I am ready!" George walked over to the bed and started cutting the rope as Sir Ronsalot rambled on.  
"...um, I mean to be so understanding."   
"...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away." Ronsalot explained to George.  
"Oh, don't worry about that." George said.  
There was a thonking sound and a whoosh. In the background you can hear Fred "Oooh!"  
The lights go out for a moment, then the scene changes to a scene with the same set as the one where Ronsalot was killing all the guests. All the same seventh year extras were all the crying guests. As Ronsalot and George were coming in George was explaining to Ronsalot something.  
"Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room."  
As they came in, one extra looks up and, seeing Ronsalot, cries,  
"There he is!"  
"Oh, bloody hell." Ronsalot goes into action, swinging his sword at random and various extras.   
"Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please!" George cried, grabbing Ronsalot and hauling him bodily back up the stairs.  
"Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone." Ronsalot apologizes.   
"He killed the best Man!" someone in the crowd shouted, ignoring Ronsalot's apologies. Several of the other extras took up the cry.  
"Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Ronsalot from the Court of Hogwarts, a very brave and influential Knight, and my special Guest here today." George interjected. Someone in the crowd of guests snickered.  
"Hello." Sir Ronsalot said with a small wave.  
"He killed my auntie!" Another one of the guests shouted. Again, the other guests took up the cry.   
"Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Frederick, has just fallen to his death." George interjected again. The crowd erupted with cries of "Oh! Oh, no!"  
"But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter!" The crowd started to clap. "For, since the tragic death of her Father--..."  
"He's not quite dead!" One of the guests, the one tending to the man, cried out.  
"Since the near fatal wounding of her Father-..."  
"He's getting better!"  
"For, since her own Father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him." He signaled to one of the guards, and he went over and smote the man. The man 'uggh'ed in pain.   
"Oh, he's died!"  
"And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her Old dad, in a very real and legally binding sense." George said, interrupted by much clapping. "And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Ronsalot of Hogwarts--..."  
"What?" Sir Ronsalot asked, shocked.   
"Look! The dead Prince!" One of the guests cried. "Oooh! The dead Prince!"  
"He's not quite dead." Charlie, as Concorde, said as he brought his brother the Prince Frederick in.  
"No, I feel much better." Fred said as he is put on a table.   
"You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!" George called down to his twin.   
"No, I was saved at the last minute." Fred said.  
"How?" George asked.  
"Well, I'll tell you." Fred said as the cheesy music starts up again.   
"Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!" George shouts as the situation is taken out of his hands and the music continues and all the guests start singing "He's going to tell! He's going to tell!"   
"Shut uuup!" George yells, as the guests continue singing. In the midst of all the singing, Charlie, who is still Concorde, shouts across to Ronsalot,   
"Quickly, Sir! Come this way!"  
Sir Ronsalot shakes his head. "No! It's not right for my idiom! I must escape more..." He sighs and slumps.  
"Dramatically, Sir?" Concorde supplies.  
"Dramatically!" He grabs a rope attached to a chandelier on the ceiling and swings down to the ground. But he doesn't stop, and crashes into something on the other side of the hall. As the lights go out, over the sound of the music and the singing, Ronsalot can be heard saying,   
"Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please?" 


	13. Chapter 13

When the lights came back up, the scene has changed yet again to a small village. There are the standard seventh year extras, and Harry and Hermione are 'riding' through, and stop by Pansy Parkinson.  
"Old Crone!" Harry said to her. "Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?" There was a dramatic chord.  
Pansy looks pained as she answered, "Who sent you?"  
"The Knights Who Say 'Ni'." Harry said with a glance at Hermione.  
"Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here." Pansy cried.  
"If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'ni'." Harry threatened.   
"Agh! Do your worst!" Pansy winced.   
"Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni!" Harry shouted.  
"No! Never! No shrubberies!" Pansy cried.   
"Ni!" Harry cried.   
"Nu!" Sir Hermione cried.  
"No, no, no, no, i-" Harry said.  
"Nu!" Sir Hermione cried.  
"No, it's not that. It's 'ni'." Harry said.  
"Nu!" Sir Hermione cried.  
"No, no. 'Ni'. You're not doing it properly. No." Harry said again.  
"Ni!" Sir Hermione finally said. "Ni!" Harry and Sir Hermione said together. "That's it. That's it. You've got it." Harry congratulated her. They continued saying 'Ni!' over and over again, Pansy cringing and groaning in time to their 'Ni!'s. Then Lee Jordan came by riding in a cart laden with shrubberies, pulled by two seventh year extras.   
"Are you saying 'Ni!' to that old woman?"  
Harry winced and answered, "Erm,... yes."  
"Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to Old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history." Lee says.  
"Did you say 'shrubberies'?" Harry asked.  
"Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies."  
Sir Hermione leapt forward and shouted, "Ni!".  
Harry grabbed her shoulders and held her back. "No! No, no, no! No!" just as the lights went out. The scene changed back to the original Ni Knight forest. Harry and Sir Hermione were now standing back in front of the Slytherin Quidditch team as the Ni Knights.  
"O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?" Harry was asking the Ni Knights.   
"It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem." Marcus Flint started.  
"What is that?" Harry asked.  
"We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'." Flint said.  
"Ni! Shh!" several of the Knights said.  
"Shh!" Flint said to them. "We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang- zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'." One of the Knights in the back cried "Ni!"  
"Therefore, we must give you a test." Flint continued.  
"What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights who till recently said 'ni'?" Harry asked Flint.  
"Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!" A dramatic chord sounded.  
"Not another shrubbery!" Harry cried.  
One of the other Quidditch players cried "Ni!"  
"Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle." Flint continued. The other players seemed very interested by the idea of a path, and shouted "A path! A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!... "  
"Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!" another dramatic chord sounded. The Ni Knights echoed "A herring!"   
"We shall do no such thing!" Harry cried.  
"Oh, please!" Flint begged.  
"Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done." Harry pointed out. The Ni Knights cried out in pain and held their heads, for once.  
"Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word." Flint cried.  
"What word?" Harry asked.  
"I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear." Flint explained.  
"How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?" Harry asked. The Ni Knights went into actions of intense pain again. "You said it again!" They cried.  
"What, 'is'?" Harry wanted to know.  
"Agh! No, not 'is'." they cried.  
"No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'." Flint pointed out. "No, not 'is'. Not 'is'." The Knights agreed.  
"My liege, its Sir Neville!" Sir Hermione pointed.   
Neville had indeed arrived, accompanied by Oliver singing,  
"Packing it in and packing it up   
And sneaking away and buggering up   
And chickening out and pissing off home,   
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge."  
"Sir Neville!" Harry Cried, announcing the arrival.  
"My liege! It's good to see you." Neville said as he came to a stop.  
"Now he's said the word!" Flint cried, holding his ears.  
"Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Stone?" Harry asked his Knight.  
"He is sneaking away and buggering up--..." Oliver sang.  
"Shut up!" He cried to Oliver. "No, no. No. Far from it."  
"He said the word again!" Flint yelled. The Knights held their heads in pain.   
"I was looking for it." The Knights groaned "Uh, here-- here in this forest."  
"No, it is far from this place." Harry said to him.  
"Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word..." Flint cried.  
"Oh, stop it!" Harry shouted to the Knights.  
"...we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!" they cried.  
"Draco!" Harry called, summoning his squire, and leaving the clearing. Draco hesitantly followed, clapping the coconuts together. As they left and the lights went down, they could hear the knights screaming,  
"Wait! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh! Aaaaugh!" 


	14. Chapter 14

The lights came back up and we see a screen. Fred and George's voices can be heard in the background. Fred spoke first. "And so, Harry and Sir Hermione and Sir Neville set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the Old Man had spoken in scene twenty-four." George spoke next.  
"Beyond the forest, they met Ronsalot and Seamus, and there was much rejoicing." Little knights on the screen could be seen holding little flags and shouting "Yea! Yea!" "In the frozen land of Surrey, they were forced to eat Neville's Minstrels, except Oliver." The little minstrels were trying to run away, but a giant hook grabbed them. "And there was much rejoicing." Again the little knights held up banners and shouted "Yea! Yea!" Fred's voice is heard next.  
"A year passed." A little man on a hill under a tree with a sheep was on the screen, shivering. "Winter changed into Spring." The little man took off his coat. George continued.  
"Spring changed into Summer." The little man fell asleep under the tree. Fred continued.  
"Summer changed back into Winter,..." Snow covered the little man as George went on.  
"...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn." The little man stood up as a big branch fell off and landed on his head. Fred and George concluded together. "Until one day." Music can be heard as the light go out and the scene changes to a mountain range, with Dean Thomas on one of the mountain tops, throwing fire everywhere and causing explosions. He waved his hands over his head and blew himself up, causing himself to rematerialize in front of the amazed Knights, who, when Harry orders them to, ride up to Dean.   
"What Manner of Man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?" Harry asks Dean.  
"I... am an enchanter." Dean said, as if he didn't know who he was.  
"By what name are you known?" Harry asked him.  
"There are some who call me... 'Dean'?"   
"Greetings, Dean the Enchanter." Harry said.  
"Greetings, King Harry!" Dean said.  
"You know my name?" Harry asked, surprised.   
"I do." Dean points to the scar of Harry's forehead as if that explained everything; Harry sighs and slumps; then Dean lifts his staff up and shoots liquid fire out the end of it. "You seek the Holy Stone!"  
"That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim." Harry said, trying to sound impressed.  
"Quite." Dean said, then waves his hand and starts more little fires. The Knights applauds his performance.  
"Yes, we're-- we're looking for the Holy Stone. Our quest is to find the Holy Stone." Harry stutters. The Knights agree with him. "And so we're-- we're-- we're looking for it." Harry continues. The Knights agree with him. "Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh-- to help... would be... very... helpful." Harry concludes.  
Seamus runs forward to confront Dean. "Look, can you tell us where-- ..." He starts, but Dean cuts him off with a fireball to the kneecaps. Seamus runs back to his place in with the Knights, rubbing his knees.   
"Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um-- find a, uh-- a, um-- a, uh--..." Harry starts.   
"A what...?" Dean asks.  
"A s-- a-- a s-- a s-- a-- a s--..." Harry stutters.   
"A Stone?!" Dean shouts.  
"Yes, I think so." Harry says, very taken aback.  
"Y-- y-- yes." Neville agreed. The other Knights and Harry echoed agreements. Dean, annoyed, fired off more explosions.  
"Look, um, you're a busy Man, uh--..." Harry said.  
"Yes, I can help you find the Holy Stone." Dean said. "To the north there lies a cave-- the cave of Caerbannog-- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged..." He set off another set of fireworks. "...make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Stone."   
"Where could we find this cave, O Tim?" Harry asked.  
"Follow." Dean turned to leave, and the Knights started to follow him, then,... "But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is Guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no Man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave Knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth." Dean put his hands up to his mouth and used two fingers to represent "nasty, big, pointy teeth."  
"What an eccentric performance." Harry said, over his shoulder to his Knights, as the lights go out. 


	15. Chapter 15

In a moment, when the lights go back up, they're in a set that generally looked the same, but slightly different, with a cave in the background. There was the sound of horses whinnying.  
"They're nervous, Sire." Seamus said about the 'horses'.   
"Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!" Harry said. The Knights acted out the motions of dismounting from a horse, completely ignoring the fact that they never were riding horses to start with. Then they made their way down to a little ridge in front of the Cave.  
"Behold the cave of Caerbannog!" Dean announced with a flourish.  
"Right! Keep me covered." Harry said as he started to climb over the little ridge to get to the Cave.  
"What with?" Seamus asked.  
"W-- just keep me covered." Harry was going to continue on to the cave, when,   
"Too late!" Dean cried. A dramatic chord sounded.  
"What?" Harry asked, pausing.  
"There he is!" Dean shouted.  
"Where?" Harry asked, looking around.  
"There!" Dean pointed to the cave. A Rat was waddling out of the cave.  
"What, behind the Rat?" Harry asked.  
"It is the Rat."  
Harry whacked Dean on the side of the head. "You silly sod!"   
"What?" Dean asked.  
"You got us all worked up!"  
Dean pointed towards the cave. "Well, that's no ordinary Rat!"  
"Ohh."   
"That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!" Dean said enthusiastically.   
"You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!" Sir Neville exclaimed.  
"Look, that Rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!" Dean explained.  
"Get stuffed!" Seamus said to Dean.  
"He'll do you up a treat, mate." Dean said to Seamus.  
"Oh, yeah?" Seamus exclaimed.  
"You Mangy Scots git!" Neville shouted.   
"I'm warning you!" Dean said to Neville.  
"What's he do, nibble your bum?" Neville asked.  
"He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!" Dean gestured towards the cave.   
"Go on, Lee. Chop his head off!" Harry ordered.  
Lee Jordan leapt out from behind the other Knights and climbed over the ridge. "Right! Silly little bleeder. One Rat stew comin' right up!" He started towards the cave, while Dean yelled out,  
"Look!"  
Lee got almost to the Rat, when, with a squeak, it leapt into the air, and ripped Lee's head off.  
"Jesus Christ!" Harry swore.  
"I warned you!" Dean cried.  
"I've done it again!" Neville said.  
"I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little rat, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--..." Dean was saying.  
"Oh, shut up!" Harry said to Dean.  
"Do they listen to me?" Dean asked no one in particular.  
"Right!" Harry yelled.  
"Oh, no." Dean muttered.   
"Charge!" The Knights yelled as they clambered over the ridge and advanced towards the Rat...   
The Rat fights back admirably, killing two more of the Knights, and finally Harry is smart enough to yell,  
"Run away! Run away!" The Knights echo him as they run back to Dean behind the ridge. Once behind the ridge, Harry asks,  
"Right, how many did we lose?"   
"Fred." Ronsalot answers.  
"George." Seamus continues.  
"And Lee, that's five." Harry concludes.  
"Three, Sir." Seamus corrected him.  
"Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That Rat's dynamite." Harry said.  
"Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?" Neville asked.  
"Oh, shut up and go and change your armor." Harry scolded him.  
"Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake." Seamus suggested.  
"Like what?" Harry asked him.  
"Well... ooh." Seamus realized.  
"Have we got bows?" Ronsalot asked Harry.  
"No." Harry answered, almost sadly.   
"We have the Holy Hand Grenade." Ronsalot realized.   
"Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Gryffindor! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Flitwick carries with him! Brother Flitwick! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!"  
The monks from the village scene with Sir Hermione's entrance start their chant again. "Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem." Two brothers, one very short and one very tall, whose hood is pulled up so we can't see his face, walk up. The tall one has a book under his arm. The short one had a huge box in his arms, which he handed to Ronsalot. The short brother opened the box, revealing the Holy Hand Grenade. Ronsalot then turned to Harry, who pulled the weapon out of the box, and examined it. It looks a little like an oversized Golden Snitch.   
"How does it, um-- how does it work?" Harry asked.  
"I know not, my liege." Sir Ronsalot admitted.  
"Consult the Book of Armaments!" Harry cried.   
Brother Flitwick said to the taller monk, "Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one."  
Fred and George, until now hidden as monks in the back, now pulled down the hood covering the taller brother's face. It turned out to be none other than Professor Severus Snape! A dramatic chord sounded, almost, but not quite drowning out the laughter from the audience, and the assembled Knights, who didn't know whom the tall monk was! With a sneer, Snape started saying his lines.   
"And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--..."  
"Skip a bit, Brother." Brother Flitwick said.  
"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'"  
"Amen." Brother Flitwick intoned. The Knights echoed him.  
"Right! One!... Two!... Five!" Harry counted.  
"Three, Sir!" Seamus corrected him.  
"Three!" Harry amended his line, and threw the Hand Grenade. To the sound of angels singing, the Hand Grenade flew through the air, landed, bounced, and hit the Rat with a loud boom. As the Knights went forward to check out the damage, Ron picks up the corpse of the rat, and exclaimed,  
"Hey! This was Scabbers!" In the background, identical twin snickering could be heard. "Right! I'll do you for that!" He calls back to his brothers off stage, just as the lights go out. While the scene was being changed, Fred, or George, dunno which, yells quite audibly,   
"You'll what?"   
Ron shouts, "You heard me! You killed my rat!"   
"No we didn't!" George shouts. "He's right here!"  
"Besides, he was Percy's rat!" Fred adds.   
"I don't care! Give 'im here!" Ron shouts.   
"No he wasn't! Shh! Quit lying!" Percy says.   
"Come and get him!" The same twin cries, apparently trying to keep away from Ron. There were the sounds of a scuffle, then,  
"Knock it off you three!" Percy shouted. "You are ruining the play!" More scuffling, and Percy lets out a pained cry. "Hey, that's my nose!"  
"Well, then get outta the way!" Ron shouts. "You're in front of Fred!"  
"How do you know?" Fred asks, from behind Percy, only the audience doesn't know it. "It's too dark to see!"   
"Lumos!" Ron yells, lighting his wand, then shouts, "Now it isn't!" In the faint light, the audience could see more scuffling, this time between Ron, Fred, George, and Percy. But, just as Bill and Charlie come in, Ron drops his wand, and the light goes back out.   
"Bloody hell!" Ron yells.   
"Hey! Stop it!" Charlie shouts to his brothers.   
"I'm the oldest! I'll give the orders!" Bill shouts, trying to gain control of the situation. "Now knock it off!"  
"Got another hand grenade?" Charlie shouts to Flitwick. Flitwick is trying his hardest to ignore the whole incident.   
"Where's my Rat!" Ron shouts. "Where's Scabbers?"   
Just then, Professor McGonagall turns on the lights, and the 6 brothers are revealed on the stage, all in torn robes and sporting various cuts, bruises and scrapes. Harry, Hermione, and Lee are sitting in the background, killing themselves laughing. Professor McGonagall Summons Scabbers to her hand, and says,  
"Clear out now, all of you! We'll discuss this later. Now, get ready for your next scenes, and leave each other alone." The lights go back down, and as the next scene is prepared, Oliver comes out into a spotlight, and says to the crowd,  
"By the way, that was a continuation of the Weasley Scene, otherwise known as The Tale of Sir Ronsalot." He peers over his shoulder into the blackness behind him. "I don't think it's over yet." He waits a few moments, hands clasped behind his back, whistling the "Brave Sir Neville" Song, every so often checking behind his back. Finally he says, "Right. I think that's done with, so, back to our regularly scheduled programming." He leaves the stage. The spotlight goes out. 


	16. Chapter 16

The lights go on and the scene has changed. The scene is the inside of the cave of which "Scabbers" was guarding. Suddenly Harry shouts,  
"There! Look!" There were inscriptions on one of the walls.  
"What does it say?" Ronsalot asks.  
"What language is that?" Seamus asks after Ronsalot.  
"Brother Flitwick! You are a scholar." Harry says motioning to Flitwick.  
"It's Aramaic!" Flitwick exclaims after he read the inscriptions.  
"Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!" Seamus observes.  
"'Course!" Ronsalot said throwing his head back.  
"What does it say?" Harry asks.  
"It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Stone in the Castle of aaaaaagggh'." Flitwick straightens up and stares at the wall.  
"What?" Harry asks in puzzlement.  
"'...The Castle of aaaaaagggh'." Repeats Flitwick to Harry and the Knights.  
"What is that?" Hermione asks.  
"He must have died while carving it." Flitwick explained  
"Oh, come on!" Ronsalot scoffed.  
"Well, that's what it says." Flitwick defended himself.  
"Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaaaaggh'." Harry waves his hand as he says 'aaaaaggh'. "He'd just say it!"  
"Well, that's what's carved in the rock!" Flitwick argues.  
"Perhaps he was dictating." Seamus butted in.  
"Oh, shut up." Harry says to Seamus. "Well, does it say anything else?" He said turning back to Flitwick.   
"No. Just, 'aaaaaagggh'." All the knights look at the inscription on the wall and Ronsalot and Harry are repeating 'aaaagggh."   
"Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaargue?" Hermione asks.  
"Where's that?" Seamus asks Hermione.  
"France, I think." Hermione answered him.  
"Isn't there a 'Saint Aaauuves' in Cornwall?" Ronsalot asks observantly.  
"No, that's 'Saint Ives'." Harry corrected him.  
"Oh, yes. Saint Iiiiives." The Knights copy him with 'Iiiiives'.  
"Oooohoohohooo!" Hermione exclaimed and pointed.  
"No, no. 'Aaaauugggh', at the back of the throat. Aaauugh." Ronsalot corrected her.  
"N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm." Hermione explained to him.  
"Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'!" Ronsalot suggested.  
"Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!" Hermione yelled and everyone turned around to look.  
"Oooh!" Harry yelled in shock.   
"My God!" Seamus gasped. There's a dramatic chord.   
"It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaauugh!" Flitwick yelled. And the screen is pulled back down. On the screen we see Flitwick being eaten by the Black Beast of Aaauugh. We hear Hermione's voice behind the screen,  
"That's it! That's it!" Harry orders from behind the screen,  
"Run away!" On the screen the cartoon knights run in a little clump shouting 'Run away!' The Black Beast (A giant scaly creature with a lot of eyes) chased Harry and his knights. They manage to hide.   
"Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!..." next we hear Hermione's voice,   
"We've lost him." But she spoke too soon and there was a loud roar, and the beast is seen again. The knights scream and run away again. Fred or George's voices are heard saying,   
"As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Harry and his Knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the Animator suffered a fatal heart attack." On the screen there is an image of a person having a heart attack. It went back to the Black Beast as it disappeared into thin air.  
"The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for Holy Stone could continue." The screen goes back up and the scene has changed to a cliff by a gorge. We see Harry and his knights inching forward on the cliff. Seamus points to a bridge in the distance, partially obscured by fog.   
"There it is!" He shouts.  
"The Bridge of Death!" Harry said, always stating the obvious. In the background Neville mutters,  
"Oh, great."   
Harry points to Percy, standing beside the bridge. "Look! There's the Old Man from scene twenty-four!"   
"What is he doing here?" Sir Hermione asks.  
"He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveler five questions--..." Harry starts.  
"Three questions." Seamus corrects him.  
"Three questions. He who answers the five questions--..." Harry starts explaining again.  
"Three questions." Seamus corrects him again.   
"Three questions may cross in safety." Harry finishes.  
"What if you get a question wrong?" Neville asks.  
"Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril." Harry answers.  
"Oh, I won't go." Neville mutters.  
"Who's going to answer the questions?" Seamus asks.  
"Sir Neville!" Harry exclaimed.  
"Yes?" Neville asked, scared almost out of his mind.  
"Brave Sir Neville, you go." Harry ordered.  
"Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Ronsalot go?" Neville suggested.  
"Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--..." Ronsalot said bravely and dramatically.  
"No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--..." Harry said, stopping Ronsalot from leaping into battle with his brother.   
"Three questions." Seamus corrected him yet again.  
"Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray." Harry concluded.   
"I understand, my liege." Ronsalot said, disappointedly.  
"Good luck, brave Sir Ronsalot. God be with you." Harry said as Ronsalot nodded and made his way down to Percy. As he got closer he noticed that Percy's nose looked a little flatter, possibly broken. Ron suppressed a twinge of guilt. Ronsalot didn't feel guilt. He was almost to his brother when Percy called out,  
"Stop!" Ronsalot stopped. "Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see."   
Ronsalot straightened himself up to his full height, and called,  
"Ask me the questions, Bridge Keeper Percy. I am not afraid."  
"What... is your name?"  
"My name is 'Sir Ronsalot of Hogwarts'."   
"What... is your quest?"  
"To seek the Holy Stone."  
"What... is your favorite color?"  
"Blue."  
"Right. Off you go." Percy said, with a gesture towards the bridge with his head.   
"Oh, thank you. Thank you very much." Ronsalot made his way past Percy, muttering as he past, "Sorry about your nose, Perce." Percy shrugged his answer.  
"That's easy!" Neville exclaimed as Ronsalot crossed the bridge. He ran down to Percy, with the other Knights on his tail.  
"Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see." Percy said as Neville approached.   
"Ask me the questions, Bridge Keeper Percy. I'm not afraid."  
"What... is your name?"  
"Sir Neville of Hogwarts."  
"What... is your quest?"   
"To seek the Holy Stone."   
"What... is the capital of Assyria?" Percy asked, grinning.  
Neville paused for a second, completely stunned. "I don't know that!" With an exceptionally strong 'Wingardium Leviosa' spell, Neville was flung into the Gorge of Eternal Peril, screaming all the time. The other Knights ran down, and Seamus got to Percy first.  
"Stop! What... is your name?"   
"Sir Seamus of Hogwarts."  
"What... is your quest?"   
"I seek the Stone."  
"What... is your favorite color?"  
"Blue. No, yel--..." And, as with Neville, Seamus got flung off the cliff into the Gorge of Eternal Peril, screaming all the way down. Harry and Hermione, the only ones left, watched as he fell, as Percy laughed evilly. Harry went up to Percy.  
"Stop! What... is your name?"  
"It is Harry, King of the Britons."  
"What... is your quest?"   
"To seek the Holy Grail."  
"What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"  
"What do you mean? An African or European swallow?" Harry asked, hoping his plan worked.  
"Huh? I-- I don't know that!" Percy said, screaming as he too was flung into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.  
"How do know so much about swallows?" Hermione asked Harry.  
"Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know." Harry and Hermione started off across the Bridge of Death, with dramatic spooky music playing in the background. Suddenly, when they were halfway across the bridge, the music changed, the screen dropped, and crazy colors were projected onto the screen. The word 'Intermission' was written on screen. In a few seconds, the screen went back up, and (We know this isn't the same as in the movie, but...) the set was changed to a flat plain, stretching out for as far as the eye could see. Ronsalot was nowhere to be found. Harry and Hermione walked along, calling Ronsalot's name.   
In a split screen effect again, we can see Ronsalot getting arrested by two cops, played by, you guessed it, Fred and George. Fred was leaning against the car, and George was actually frisking him.  
Harry and Hermione continued walking. Eventually they arrive at a lake with a large Viking Dragon boat. Dramatic music plays. Really quickly the screen comes down, showing images of the boat sailing across the lake while the set behind changes. When it's ready, the screen comes up, and Harry and Hermione go up to the castle on the island that they landed on.   
"The Castle Aaaagh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised!" He draws Gryffindor's Sword and kneels to it, Hermione beside him. "Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy--..." He is interrupted by the twang of a catapult firing, and a dead sheep landed on his shoulders. "Jesus Christ!" He cried.  
"Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Harry King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!" Fred the French Guard cried from an open window.   
"How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Hogwarts, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!" Harry shouted, getting up from his kneeling position.  
"How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out- clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters." Fred insulted them.  
"In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!" Harry ordered as he and Hermione climbed the stairs up to the door.  
"No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!"   
Draco, unbeknownst to the audience, and Harry and Hermione, and Fred, knocked out Lee and George. Then went over to the buckets of slop to pour on Harry, grinning as he hefted one up. "Payback." He muttered.   
"If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!" Harry called, banging on the door with the hilt of his sword. Draco chose that time to dump the bucket's contents right on Harry, "In the name of God and the glory of our--..." Another bucket of slop poured on Harry. Fred started laughing, and looked up, then did a double take as he realized that the boy pouring stuff wasn't his twin or his friend. "Hey!" He called up. "Malfoy, what are you doing?!" Then he thought of something else, "Where's Lee and George?" He called as he left the window, presumably to go attack Draco. Draco laughed, and ran. Harry was steamed, and also thought it funny that Fred was probably going to kill Malfoy when he found Lee and George, but then he realized he still had lines, and said,  
"Agh. Right! That settles it!" And started leaving, with Hermione following him.   
Charlie came in to finish Fred's lines while Fred was otherwise engaged, and said,  
"Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already!" He laughed maniacally.   
"Walk away. Just ignore them." Harry muttered to Hermione, who already was.   
"And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt!" Charlie continued.  
Harry and Hermione walked all the way across the lake. They turn and look back to the castle. "We shall attack at once!" Harry cried, turning back around to look behind him.  
"Yes, my liege!" Hermione said.  
"Stand by for attack!" Harry yelled.  
Suddenly a huge army of all the seventh year extras, the sixth years, the Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin Quidditch teams, and several other people appeared over the crest of a hill. They assemble things, and grab weapons and essentially get ready for battle. When they were ready, there was silence.  
"French persons!" Harry cried across the water. Snatches of French taunting can be heard from across the water, the only clear word of which is 'Dappy!"   
"Today the blood of Many a valiant Knight shall be avenged. In the name of God,..." Harry said to his army. "...we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Stone returns to those whom God has chosen!" Harry pauses for dramatic effect, then yelled, "Charge!"  
They had almost gotten to the water, when a cop car drove up between them and the water. Bill and Charlie got out and start trying to herd the soldiers back. A second car, and a paddy wagon drove up too. Hannah Abbot got out of the second car, and pointed randomly to the soldiers. "Yes, they're the ones, I'm sure." She said.  
The Inspector that drove the second car got out and got one of the guys that Hannah had pointed to, which happened to be Harry, and took him to the back of the paddy wagon. Charlie continued pushing people back, and took weapons away, as the Inspector took Hermione to the paddy wagon too. Charlie and Bill continued with what they were doing for a while longer, then, suddenly, the screen fell down with a loud thud. Fred, now finished with Malfoy, called out,   
"The End!" 


	17. Chapter 17

Suddenly George, who had recovered from the blow Malfoy had given him, came out and said,   
"And now for something completely different." Harry, Ron, Seamus, Neville, Fred, Bill, Charlie, and Percy all came out dressed as Muggle military men. The background is a military facility. Hermione's voice is heard saying,  
"And next the men of the Second Armoured Division regale us with their famous close order swanning about." George's voice yells from behind the scene,   
"Squad... Camp it ... up!" All eight of them begin to chant and march with funny little actions. This is the march chant,  
"Oooh get her!" They are just marching. "Whoops!  
I've got your number ducky." They turn and start sashaying with limped left hand wrists.   
"You couldn't afford" They switched limped wrists, pointing to the audience, still sashaying. "me, dear. Two three." They pointed to themselves.   
"I'd scratch your eyes out." They turned to the audience and put their right hands on each other's shoulders with their left hands by their sides.   
"Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear,  
We all know where you've been," Without moving their hands they start doing the cancan.   
"you military fairy!" They salute and put their hands over their heads. Then turning around still sashaying with limp wrists counting to six.   
"Whoops, don't look now girls,  
The major's just minced in  
With that dolly colour sergeant,  
Two, three, ooh-ho!" They turn sashay still with limp wrists and bending to go 'ooh-ho' then they go back to attention stance. George comes out changed into a sergeant uniform shouting,  
"Stop that! It's silly!" then muttering to himself, "and a bit suspect I think." 


	18. Chapter 18

The lights go out and then come back on we see Fred and George dressed as liver donor agents opening a fridge, Lavender Brown is standing watching them. Oliver Wood comes out of the fridge dressed in a purple and white pinstriped suit, and starts to sing to Lavender. "Whenever life gets you down Mrs. Brown, and things seem hard or tuff. And people are stupid obnoxious or daft and you feel that you've had quite enough!" The giant screen comes down behind Oliver and Lavender, showing a whole bunch of stars. "Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving  
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,  
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,  
A sun that is the source of all our power.  
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see  
Are moving at a million miles a day  
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,  
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.  
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.  
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.  
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,  
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.  
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.  
We go 'round every two hundred million years,  
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions  
In this amazing and expanding universe." There is a musical interlude as Oliver and Lavender start to dance.   
"The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding  
In all of the directions it can whizz  
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,  
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.  
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,  
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,  
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,  
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth." At the last line the screen goes up and Oliver goes back into the fridge. Fred then asks Lavender,  
"So can we have your liver then?" 


	19. Chapter 19

The lights go out and the scene changes to a pet shop. George enters the shop and approaches Fred.   
"'Ello, I wish to register a complaint." Fred doesn't answer him. George tries to get his attention again, "'Ello, Miss?"   
"What do you mean 'miss'?" Fred asked. There was a pause.   
"I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!"  
"We're closin' for lunch."  
"Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I  
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique."  
"Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?" Fred asked.  
"I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!" George exclaimed.  
"No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting."  
"Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."  
"No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!" Fred said, trying to change the subject.  
"The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead." George said, changing the subject back.  
"Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!"  
"All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!" George starts to yell at the cage. "'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show..." Fred then pushed the cage.  
"There, he moved!"   
"No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!"  
"I never!!"   
"Yes, you did!"  
"I never, never did anything..." George starts to hit and yell at the cage again.   
"'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!" George takes out the parrot and starts to thump it's head on the table. Then he threw the parrot into the air and it falls on the ground. "Now that's what I call a dead parrot."  
"No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!"  
"STUNNED?!?"  
"Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues  
stun easily, major."  
"Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk."  
"Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords."  
"PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?" George shouted.  
"The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!"  
"Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there." There was a pause before Fred spoke,  
"Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!" Fred made a flying motion with his hand.  
"'VOOM'?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't 'voom' if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!"  
"No no! 'E's pining!"  
"'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!" There was another pause.  
"Well, I'd better replace it, then." Fred looks behind the counter. "Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots."  
"I see. I see, I get the picture." George said, nodding his head.  
"I got a slug." Fred suggests.  
"Pray, does it talk?" George asks.  
"Nnnnot really." Fred admitted.  
"WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?"  
"Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!" Fred ripped his jacket off to reveal a red plaid flannel shirt and suspenders. He put on a beaver fur hat, and continued. "Leaping from tree to tree!" In the fastest scene change in Hogwarts history, the scene changed to a Canadian Rainforest. Fred the Lumberjack was there, still in his flannel and suspenders. He was still talking. "As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!" Lavender came over to him, dressed in a long flowing white dress. "With my best girl by my side! The Larch! The Pine! The Giant Redwood tree! The Sequoia! The Little Whopping Rule Tree!   
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!" And he started to sing,   
"Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,   
I sleep all night and I work all day."   
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,   
I go to the lavatree.   
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'   
And have buttered scones for tea."   
A little ways away, Harry, Ron, Percy, George, and Oliver were standing in a line, Charlie and Bill were behind them, and Lee and Cedric were kneeling in front. They were all dressed like Muggle Canadian Mounted Policemen, or Mounties for short, in the red coats and black pants and brown hats. They were singing,   
"He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,   
He sleeps all night and he works all day.   
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,   
He goes to the lavatree.   
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'   
And has buttered scones for tea."   
Fred continued by himself,  
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,   
I like to press wild flowers.   
I put on women's clothing,   
And hang around in bars."   
The Mountie chorus sang,   
"He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,   
He likes to press wild flowers.   
He puts on women's clothing   
And hangs around.... In bars???????" They all looked at each other in confusion. Fred continues unawares.   
"I chop down trees, I wear high heels,   
Suspenders and a bra.   
I wish I'd been a girlie   
Just like my dear papa."   
The Mountie Chorus sings,  
"He cuts down trees, he wears high heels   
Suspenders and a .... a Bra????" They all break off singing, and wander away, throwing inaudible insults at Fred. Lavender, who had had until now been hanging on Fred's arm, now unattached herself, and cried,   
"I thought you were so rugged!" She walked away, and from offstage, several people threw fruit at Fred, who wandered away as the lights went out. 


	20. Chapter 20

A spotlight came onto the centre of the stage and George was standing in it. Fred came a moment later, after getting cleaned up. They were both wearing tuxedos.  
"Well, that's about it, then." George said. Fred nodded, and they both wandered off stage. The curtain calls started, to the sound of the King Harry music. Percy and Cedric, the Soldiers from the Coconut scene came out, bowed, and went off to line up at the side. Cart Master Dean, Seamus the Customer, and Dead Neville came out, bowed, and lined up. Terry Boot and Susan Bones came out from the 'Dennis and the Mud' scene, bowed and lined up. Crabbe and Goyle came out next, and lined up, forgetting to bow. Cedric, Nearly Headless Nick and Lee came out, and Susan lined up next to them to be included in the 'Witch' scene. They all lined up again. Hermione came in after them, and Ron followed her. Seamus and Neville came out of line to be included in the Knights of Hogwarts. Argus Filch came out after they lined up, and after he lined up, Oliver Wood came out, and the applause that had been medium to low until now, suddenly erupted into wild clapping, plus some whistles and cat-calls from the younger ladies. After Oliver lined up, Fred announced,   
"And now everyone else."  
Justin, Hannah, Lavender, Marcus Flint and the Slytherin Quidditch team, Bill, Charlie, and Pansy came out. After they bowed, and lined up, all the seventh year and sixth year extras came out, bowed and left again, because there were way too many of them. Then Professor Flitwick came out, and lined up, and then Snape, getting almost as much applause as Oliver, but he got laughs instead of cat-calls. And then, Harry Potter. The applause erupted. A few minutes later, after the applause had died down, Harry lined up with the others, and Fred and George came out, bowed, but didn't line up. George announced,  
"Oh, yeah, we forgot someone!" He and Fred ran backstage, and grabbed a pale boy wrapped up in parchment. It was Draco. He was so beaten he couldn't even stand, and had a slight concussion. Fred and George put him on his feet, and held him up as they made him bow, then let go of him and let him fall to the ground. Then everyone who was included in the extra scenes at the end came out of line and bowed with Fred and George. They walked away, lined up, and the whole line took one last bow. Then the lights went back down, and the house lights came on. The play was over.  
Everyone got up and they all noticed that there was a table set up with deserts, and drinks galore. The after party had begun. Some parents and students went out into the Entrance Hall, and some stayed in the Great Hall. The Weasleys, Harry, Hermione, and Lee were all standing in a corner by the stage. Molly was telling the six Weasley brothers off.   
"What were you six playing at?! Beating each other up and that Draco boy--..." Fred cut her off by saying,  
"He had it coming look what he did to Lee and George!" He turned George around to show a big goose egg.   
"That doesn't matter right now. Look at poor Ron and Percy!" Ron was supporting a black eye and a cut lip, while Percy's nose was broken. Fred, George, Bill and Charlie all looked at each other. They all had their share of black eyes, cut lips, and burses.   
"Oh and it wasn't like Malfoy didn't fight back!" Fred said. He had his face all scratched up from Draco.  
"And I suppose my headache doesn't count for anything either!" George rubbed his head in pain.   
"Well that's not all that I'm mad about! Those jokes you made weren't funny! Changing every ones names!"   
"That one thing, the thing about the Weasley's loosing nine today, wasn't us! We don't know who did that." Fred said. Lee, who was leaning against the wall, was quietly laughing. Fred and George looked at him. Arthur stepped in to defend the boys,  
"Now, Molly dear, boys will be boys. They get in to fights all the time. And I thought that the play was amusing. We should congratulate the boys on their creativity."  
"I don't want to hear it Arthur!" Just then Dumbledore went onto the stage and silenced the crowd.   
"Can I please have your attention?" He waited a moment for the crowd to stop talking. They all looked up at him. "I would like to congratulate the cast, crew, and organizers on this fine play! I found it rather amusing except for those little moments," he shot a side glance at the Weasley boys. "But other then that, I think that the play was splendid!" Everyone clapped and there was a shout from the crowd,  
"Especially Snape!" there was an uproar of laughs. As Dumbledore walked off the stage the party continued well on into the night. 


	21. Chapter 21

The next day~~~~  
"Weasley!" Ron, and Harry turned around as Professor McGonagall walked up to them in the Entrance Hall. "Here's your rat back."  
"Scabbers! Thank you Professor."  
"You're quite welcome Mr. Weasley. Now get to breakfast." She walked away into the Great Hall, which had been transformed back into a dining hall.  
Harry and Ron walked into the Great Hall and sat at the Gryffindor table with Hermione, Fred and George. The mail had already come, and Hermione was reading the Daily Prophet. She looked up when they sat down. "Hey, the play is in the Newspaper."   
"Ooh!" Ron exclaimed, and snatched the paper away.   
"Hey!"  
Ron ignored her as Harry leaned over to read.   
"Hogwarts students put on an excellent spoof of a famous Muggle movie last night, the movie called Monty Python and the Holy Grail, was changed to Harry Python and the Holy Stone." Harry read out loud. "In the Lead Role of King Arthur, was, of course, Harry Potter." Harry sighed, and continued. "They don't even mention any of the Knights, or anyone else. Just me."   
"Well, you are Harry Potter." Hermione pointed out. Harry shot her a scathing glance. Meanwhile,  
"Mr. Potter aside, the play was stolen by the Weasley twins, Fred and George." Ron read. "Single-handedly, they changed the entire movie to make the play funnier, if that's at all possible, changing the names of all the characters to the actors names. They also added several scenes onto the end of the play, using skits from other Monty Python movies, 'And now for something different', and 'The Meaning of Life'. By far the funniest part was the huge row between all the Weasley boys, all 6 of them, between the scenes. It is impossible to know if Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George, and Ron planned the scene, but it was the high point of the play." Ron started to laugh loudly at that, earning a look from the teachers at the head table.   
"Your fight was the high point of the play?" Hermione asked snobbishly. Ron didn't stop laughing, and Harry had to join him. Hermione shook her head at them, and went back to her scrambled eggs.  
"What else does it say?" Harry asked, after they stopped laughing.  
"Ummm..." Ron said, scanning the article. "It mentions something about Snape in it, and Filch chained in the dungeon in the Camelot Song. Other than that, that's about it."   
"Cool." Harry said.   
"So, you want to keep the article?" Ron asked.   
Harry shook his head. "Not with that thing about me in the start. You keep it. You're mentioned in it."   
Ron grinned and folded it up. "Cool. Thanks."  
Just then, Malfoy came in, and the whole Slytherin table starts laughing at him. Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw join in too.  
"That's new." Harry observed. "What happened?"  
Fred leaned over from across the table and a few seats down. "Oh, I might have mentioned to some of the people who can't keep secrets that..." He paused for effect, a grin splitting his features, "Malfoy fights like a girl."  
"Hey!" Hermione cried indignantly, Harry, Ron, George, and Fred burst out in laughter.  
  
That night~~~~  
The Gryffindor Common Room was still partying, but Harry was all partied out. As he got into his pajamas and got ready for bed, he thought about the play. He thought it went very well, and hoped there would be more of them in the future. He got into bed, and as soon as his head hit the pillow, he was asleep and dreaming of 'riding' through the countryside accompanied by his Knights and Draco walking behind him, banging coconuts together.  
  
The End~~~~ 


End file.
